You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Pants 0. Shit 1.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
