Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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