I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
