Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
