The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
