I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
