Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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