you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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