just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
