So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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