he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
