Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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