I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There r osticjed everywhere
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Is Oprah even human
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
