Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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