Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You were trust falling into bushes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
