Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
