why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
