this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
