I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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