two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
