oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
