Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
