There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
