out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
