They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
