Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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