There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
