So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
