I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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