I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
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Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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