How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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