If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
