You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
