If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
