Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
