Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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