Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
