oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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