She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
