I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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