Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
