dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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