I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
