I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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