I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
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