im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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