Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
