I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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