Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
