and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
