I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
