well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
