Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
