what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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