I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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