Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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