if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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