Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
