Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
