My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
